Factious Fridays

Well, we've got a couple of different things to mull over here this Friday. There's not much else on tap for this weekend except a call for Liz, and one last weekend of college football before the bowl season. Let's get right down to it.

1. The Sean Taylor tragedy is something that should be mourned by his loved ones, respected by everyone, and put in it's proper perspective by willing parties. A white boy from The South can't say anything that will relieve the perception that he is using the tragedy to lay out a racially bigoted agenda. Nothing could be further from the truth, as my intent in tackling the subject would be to bring a significant problem to the forefront, and use Sean Taylor's death for some small greater good.

However, I can't say it better than Jason Whitlock of the Kansas City Star. This black man calls the undercurrent of the black subculture the Black KKK, who creates and thrives on pain, fear, and destruction.

"Well, when shots are fired and a black man hits the pavement, there's every statistical reason to believe another black man pulled the trigger. That's not some negative, unfair stereotype. It's a reality we've been living with, tolerating and rationalizing for far too long."

Whitlock and Bill Cosby are only two of a growing mass of good men and women who wish to address and defeat the problems facing Black America today. I would like to be part of the solution, and feel as if the call to arms by Whitlock and Cosby are meant for everyone, although their pleads are specifically aimed at the Black populous.

I cannot stop at mere words and endorsement on a website, but must get involved in the struggle at the base level. Inner city schools and churches are something which I have been involved in the past, and must do so again. I would encourage you to do the same: Reading programs, mentoring, volunteering at schools and churches are readily available options. There's no reason not to start in the next couple of days.

2. This story about the teacher in Sudan who was prosecuted under the law for naming a teddy bear "Muhammad" needs to be one that is taken to heart by some of you neo-con Christians who wish to use American law to solidify Christian values.

There is no difference in the mindset of the Muslims that wish her to be executed and Christians who want to jail and disqualify homosexuals from American liberties. One is more physically hostile, but using the law to punish religious standards is every bit as evil, and void of love and liberty as the other.

3. Disney movies have become far too politically correct. What ever happened to the Disney flicks of Old? Robin Hood, Sword in The Stone, Peter Pan, Brear Rabbit, etc. They were good, well-written, clean, yet funny movies.

If you go back and watch any of the old Disney classics, you'll see all kinds of humor based upon stereotypes, and knowledge of history and governmental structures. This youngest generation have movies tailored to their ignorance, A.D.D., and need to glorify mediocrity (except The Incredibles).

One of my favorite exchanges in all of the Disney movies is this one from Robin Hood:

Sir Hiss: It was us who plotted together, but I remember it was your idea to have me hypnotize him (King Richard) and....

Prince John: I know....send him on that crazy crusade (raucous laughter ensues)

See, even the 1973 Disney cartoon acknowledged the ridiculousness of forcing people into religions. Just thought I'd bring the conversation full circle.

Have a good weekend.

Factious Fridays

It's hard to be truly cantankerous and factious today. It's still Thanksgiving Weekend. That means more football, turkey sandwiches, a little bourbon, and a day at home to relax with the family. I could start to diffuse the usual factiousness with some cheesy and overdone intro on "warm memories" and holiday meals spent around the table, giving thanks for all the love and blessings in my life.

I have all those things, just like you probably do; But I don't want the high levels of tryptophan still in your system, plus a boring article on my happy childhood Thanksgivings to put you to sleep as you read this. So, I'll put some thoughts of people like our new visitor, southerndaddy, in my mind and get down-right belligerent so that I may "bring the ruckus"* as you have come to expect on Fridays. Here we go.

1. When you buy a new car, relish that new car smell, the smooth acceleration, and pure joy of driving for as long as you can. Why? Because when your bumper-to-bumper warranty expires, you have less than 5,000 miles left before your car hates you.

Fuel pumps, gas gauges, carburetors, suspension system, and your power locks will all desert you like a Kennedy under indictment. Every car owner I've talked to, with the exception of Toyota and Honda owners, have lamented about their post warranty vehicles.

Lesson: Why is the American Auto Industry so bumfuzzled when they see falling sales? Because their workers are unionized and get 15 minutes of smoke break every 45 minutes, plus one hour lunches. The quality is gone, the warranties have more holes than a hooker's pantyhose, and much like the hooker, their service departments are out to screw you for money. It's beautiful Capitalism, baby!

Until the American Auto Industry gets a clue, my money will continue to go overseas. Since all my tax money is spent on failing health and education systems here at home, my personal decision to get quality wherever it may be is as American and responsible as it gets.

Peace, suckers!

2. In case you missed the Nick Saban press conferences this week, here's a summation:

"Fans this, and media that. Tommy Tuberville hit me in the head with a wiffle ball bat."

If you get paid $4 million dollars a year to coach football you should probably allow the players, the media, and the fans that provide the revenue for your salary to expect something in return. A 6-5 record is not it.

Only if Saban can end the streak against Auburn has Nicky-boy earned his paycheck this year. However, the attitude and demeanor of his team suggests that to be an unlikely outcome this weekend. Three weeks ago I would have argued that St. Nick's job was already a success with his defeats of Arkansas and Tennessee, and a chance to jump into the top 2 in the western division by season's end. Those days are long gone.

Tuscaloosa is not Baton Rouge. Saban can't expect to be a rock star at Bama for very long like he was regardless at LSU. If a Bama coach wins a National Championship, he can expect the Tide fans to start asking about what's in store for the team next year by January 10th when the recruiting gets hot and heavy.

There were 92,000 Bama fans at Bryant-Denny for A-Day last April, and Saban thought the expectations weren't through the roof? Did Saban actually think they came to see him just pace the sideline for the scrimmage? Wow. That's some ego, folks!

3. When I do actually find myself becoming irritable or truly cantankerous, all those feelings are washed away when my daughter lays her head on my lap. I just can't be angry or frustrated at all after that. Suddenly all that matters is resting right in front of me.

So, just to let everyone know, I really and truly rarely get that upset because I am at home all day with her. She is my even keel, my anger management course, and the source of much joy in my world......all in one.

I had to give you one "good one" in lieu of the obligatory "I'm thankful for...." list.

Enjoy your food and football weekend. Hold the lemons.
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*= All rights reserved by Paavo Tucker, Swamp Inc., 1999.

Factious Fridays

Here on this clear and chilly mid-November morning, I want to address the female readership. It seems popular to criticize the swine-like attributes of men as they relate to women, but I have a few questions and comments, which will be done in all fairness to the fairer sex. It is important to state that not nearly every* woman behaves in the manner I will describe and question below. I'm not making blanket statements, just generally specific ones intended to reap information.......not consequences.

I would imagine a woman will have more insight into these scenarios than men, so I think I'm asking the correct sample populous.

1. I'll serve up the softball question first: Why so much perfume?

Many women find great pleasure in their selection of artificial personal emanation enhancements. Most men, however, find them repugnant in every way.

Of all the perfumes that have assailed my nostrils over the course of my life, not one of them has ever made me "swoon." I believe this fact alone debunks the idea that all men are animals, and should be treated like varmints sniffing about ravenously for female pheromones so that we may procreate.

The only practical and purposeful application for the typical "feminine dose" of perfume is fumigation. I know this first hand, because one lady cleared out a Starbucks this morning. The place was empty of customers, on top of being insect and rodent free, only three minutes after she walked in the doors.

As Tom Howard would say, "Terrible.....Terrible."

2. Ladies, if you don't want men to look at you, don't show off. One rather curvaceous young woman I saw this morning, who was attracting rather large amounts of visual admiration from the males in the room because of her wardrobe, reminded me of this double-standard.

As I said before, it's cold out today, so a woman who is wearing attire that seemed to call attention to her cleavage is going to garner assumptions that she wished and invited a certain response from onlookers.

After she noticed that she was being noticed by several men, she crossed her arms over her chest and muttered, "pigs" under her breath. I almost laughed out loud.

Truth be told, even a perfect gentlemen will look at a beautiful woman; but there is a difference between "looking" and "ogling." It seems many women don't make the distinction though, as one is a respectful admiration; the other, a selfish and crude indulgence.

Just about anyone will stop and admire a beautiful work of art no matter where it is found. Many men view women as works of art, but need to be careful not to treat a woman like a heartless and emotionless object.

Women are to be admired and fawned over in a different manner than possessions, as they are a rare and complex beauty that is ever-pursued by her suitor. Her beau chases after her just to be a part of her, as she could never be owned by anyone.

His only interest in her company is not ownership or non-committal romance, but to be constantly chosen and re-chosen as the one who has won her affections and is the guardian of her heart. That's how a good and honorably intentioned man behaves, and there are many of us out there.

The bottom line is that if a woman does not know and exude this expectation for her relationships, her potential suitors will neither meet, nor burden themselves with the responsibility to do so.

Tip for women: Don't assume a guy wants to take you in the nearest bathroom just because he is looking at you. Take it as a confidence boost and high compliment to your appearance. Some boys are even trying to look deep enough into appearances to see if the girl is approachable and possesses more than just outer beauty.

Also, when you wear certain items of clothing, expect to be "admired."

Tip for men: When you see a beautiful woman, don't ogle. Simply look, and give her a courteous smile when she catches you admiring her. Don't make her think your thoughts are only of an adult bookstore nature.

3. I don't know if you women have noticed, but men aren't very good at mind reading. If you tell a man you don't like flowers, don't expect to get flowers. If you tell a man you love football, and he takes you to lots of football games, don't be mad at him for not taking you to the ballet instead.

Many men are wired in a "binary" fashion when it comes to relationships. There are not shades of gray or "maybes" in their thinking.

"Yes," she does want diamonds and pearls.

"No," she does not like long walks on the beaches.

This "mind reading" junk is one of the last remnants of the courtly romance found in seventeenth century Europe, where women played these types of games with men in order to gain their superficial and short-lived affections.

Ladies, if you are built in such a way that requires you to play such games, expect serious relationships to take some major hits when a man gets tired of trying to figure out what you mean, especially when it contradicts what you say.

If you are a ballet girl, don't act as if football is your favorite way of spending a Saturday afternoon just to get him in the relationship at the beginning. If the rules change on the guy, problems and mistrust will ensue.

Men have more than their share of gender-wide faults, but we'll leave those for a day and an author with more of a bone to pick than this one.

That's what she said.
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*My wife is one of those rare exceptions. My frustrations listed here are from prior experiences and friends who are currently dealing with some of these issues with their woman.

Factious Fridays

Boy, oh, boy do I have some cantankerous thoughts for y'all today. Here we go:

1. The Alex Rodriguez free agency story hit the wires in the middle of game four of the World Series. Mike and Mike, Colin Cowherd, and most notably, Peter Gammons have all described it as despicable and unbelievably arrogant on the part of the slugger to disrupt and take away from the champions in such a manner.

Whatever.

Who interrupted game 4 to talk about it? Who said, "You wouldn't think the team winning the world series could be upstaged, but they have."?

Answer: Sports media.

You mean to tell me that a scenario that was well-known and long talked about came to fruition, and it's this big freakin' deal? Get a clue. Really. Get a clue.

All media outlets will tell you that they "report the news, not make the news." I simply cannot think of any better examples of "making news" than this A-Rod stupidity and the totally absurd nature of the Anna Nicole Smith coverage when she called it quits.

Bottom Line: Don't be fooled.....the media sucks. ESPN and Fox are the worst offenders of suckiness. If anyone knows of some really good sources for sports and real news, please let me know.

2. Speaking over over-hyped, it's difficult for me to let go of this Office thing.

Recorded it, watched it, and lamented the 23 minutes of my life I lost doing so (hey, at least I could fast forward through the commercials and my girls were in bed already, so I didn't lose time with them).

I know, I know. I don't have to watch it. My taste may be very different from that of everyone else, and that's fine. I'm just seriously starting to wonder if I don't understand funny anymore.

It seems to me that Steve Carrell is playing his character, Brick Tamblin, from Anchorman. He doesn't make a laugh as a main character though. So, I'll ask my question a different way....are the first three seasons of the office exactly like season four, or has the quality gone down somewhat to completely?

3. Two days ago, while picking up Liz's beautifully mounted Doctorate diploma at a local framing store, I witnessed a tall and burly man bullying a small, twenty-something, homely-looking, red-haired girl behind the counter for something that wasn't done right with his order. Apparently, there was a "scratch" on his picture frame.

He wasn't necessarily yelling, but he was definitely bullying her via body language and implied non-financial threats. This went on for about two minutes while the girl, almost in tears, was trying to do everything she could to fix the situation quickly and appropriately because there was an obvious time crunch for the immense and well-dressed man.

Maybe it's my Southern roots or my chivalry, but after a particularly nasty phrase about her physical appearance, I stepped in.

"Excuse me, Sir. I'm sorry to interrupt this private conversation between you and the other five people standing around, but I'm curious as to what you hope to accomplish by getting personal with this young lady behind the desk?"

"What?" the man astutely replied.

I expounded, "This lady has told you she can fix the frame quickly and for half the price. At what point do you plan on letting her do that? Is it after you've used your vast size to intimidate yet another person into doing what you wish? Well, maybe you have not yet encountered someone you couldn't intimidate, but my name is Cameron Clark, and I'm not intimidated.

You may take out your frustrations on me if you wish."

The eyes of the observers both behind and in front of the counter darted back and forth between my rather short body and the vast, mountain of a man, who stood looking at me with the most perplexed expression, as if I had asked him a complex astrophysics question.

When his brain gathered all of the pertinent information about the situation it could, he squinted, leaned over three inches, making him about 6'5, and said, "Do you know who I am?"

I immediately said, "I was under the impression I didn't care to whom I was talking, just like you don't seem to either." He was visibly rocked back by this response.

He stood up straight, turned to the girl behind the counter and said,"Do you think you could have that ready by 5:00?" He could not have said it more pleasantly if he were asking her out on a date.

She said, "Absolutely," and there ended the conflict. I was told later who exactly he was, and remained unassuaged by his involvement in certain professional sports.

After he left, another woman who witnessed all this told me that Ainsley, who had been standing just behind my right leg, had peered around and stared at the man with a look one might observe from an angry Lion Cub in a Disney movie; eyebrows furrowed and a pursed mouth.

It was then that I realized Ainsley had scared this man away with the same look her mother might give me if I were to show up to the house drunk and bloody from fighting. It's terrifying.

Lesson: If you stand up for what's right, and pack a fearsome toddler on your hip, you can make someone else's day a little better.

I have more, but I must go tend to my little girl, who is stirring from her nap. I don't want to get "the look."