Factious Fridays

Here on this clear and chilly mid-November morning, I want to address the female readership. It seems popular to criticize the swine-like attributes of men as they relate to women, but I have a few questions and comments, which will be done in all fairness to the fairer sex. It is important to state that not nearly every* woman behaves in the manner I will describe and question below. I'm not making blanket statements, just generally specific ones intended to reap information.......not consequences.

I would imagine a woman will have more insight into these scenarios than men, so I think I'm asking the correct sample populous.

1. I'll serve up the softball question first: Why so much perfume?

Many women find great pleasure in their selection of artificial personal emanation enhancements. Most men, however, find them repugnant in every way.

Of all the perfumes that have assailed my nostrils over the course of my life, not one of them has ever made me "swoon." I believe this fact alone debunks the idea that all men are animals, and should be treated like varmints sniffing about ravenously for female pheromones so that we may procreate.

The only practical and purposeful application for the typical "feminine dose" of perfume is fumigation. I know this first hand, because one lady cleared out a Starbucks this morning. The place was empty of customers, on top of being insect and rodent free, only three minutes after she walked in the doors.

As Tom Howard would say, "Terrible.....Terrible."

2. Ladies, if you don't want men to look at you, don't show off. One rather curvaceous young woman I saw this morning, who was attracting rather large amounts of visual admiration from the males in the room because of her wardrobe, reminded me of this double-standard.

As I said before, it's cold out today, so a woman who is wearing attire that seemed to call attention to her cleavage is going to garner assumptions that she wished and invited a certain response from onlookers.

After she noticed that she was being noticed by several men, she crossed her arms over her chest and muttered, "pigs" under her breath. I almost laughed out loud.

Truth be told, even a perfect gentlemen will look at a beautiful woman; but there is a difference between "looking" and "ogling." It seems many women don't make the distinction though, as one is a respectful admiration; the other, a selfish and crude indulgence.

Just about anyone will stop and admire a beautiful work of art no matter where it is found. Many men view women as works of art, but need to be careful not to treat a woman like a heartless and emotionless object.

Women are to be admired and fawned over in a different manner than possessions, as they are a rare and complex beauty that is ever-pursued by her suitor. Her beau chases after her just to be a part of her, as she could never be owned by anyone.

His only interest in her company is not ownership or non-committal romance, but to be constantly chosen and re-chosen as the one who has won her affections and is the guardian of her heart. That's how a good and honorably intentioned man behaves, and there are many of us out there.

The bottom line is that if a woman does not know and exude this expectation for her relationships, her potential suitors will neither meet, nor burden themselves with the responsibility to do so.

Tip for women: Don't assume a guy wants to take you in the nearest bathroom just because he is looking at you. Take it as a confidence boost and high compliment to your appearance. Some boys are even trying to look deep enough into appearances to see if the girl is approachable and possesses more than just outer beauty.

Also, when you wear certain items of clothing, expect to be "admired."

Tip for men: When you see a beautiful woman, don't ogle. Simply look, and give her a courteous smile when she catches you admiring her. Don't make her think your thoughts are only of an adult bookstore nature.

3. I don't know if you women have noticed, but men aren't very good at mind reading. If you tell a man you don't like flowers, don't expect to get flowers. If you tell a man you love football, and he takes you to lots of football games, don't be mad at him for not taking you to the ballet instead.

Many men are wired in a "binary" fashion when it comes to relationships. There are not shades of gray or "maybes" in their thinking.

"Yes," she does want diamonds and pearls.

"No," she does not like long walks on the beaches.

This "mind reading" junk is one of the last remnants of the courtly romance found in seventeenth century Europe, where women played these types of games with men in order to gain their superficial and short-lived affections.

Ladies, if you are built in such a way that requires you to play such games, expect serious relationships to take some major hits when a man gets tired of trying to figure out what you mean, especially when it contradicts what you say.

If you are a ballet girl, don't act as if football is your favorite way of spending a Saturday afternoon just to get him in the relationship at the beginning. If the rules change on the guy, problems and mistrust will ensue.

Men have more than their share of gender-wide faults, but we'll leave those for a day and an author with more of a bone to pick than this one.

That's what she said.
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*My wife is one of those rare exceptions. My frustrations listed here are from prior experiences and friends who are currently dealing with some of these issues with their woman.