Factious Fridays

Here on this clear and chilly mid-November morning, I want to address the female readership. It seems popular to criticize the swine-like attributes of men as they relate to women, but I have a few questions and comments, which will be done in all fairness to the fairer sex. It is important to state that not nearly every* woman behaves in the manner I will describe and question below. I'm not making blanket statements, just generally specific ones intended to reap information.......not consequences.

I would imagine a woman will have more insight into these scenarios than men, so I think I'm asking the correct sample populous.

1. I'll serve up the softball question first: Why so much perfume?

Many women find great pleasure in their selection of artificial personal emanation enhancements. Most men, however, find them repugnant in every way.

Of all the perfumes that have assailed my nostrils over the course of my life, not one of them has ever made me "swoon." I believe this fact alone debunks the idea that all men are animals, and should be treated like varmints sniffing about ravenously for female pheromones so that we may procreate.

The only practical and purposeful application for the typical "feminine dose" of perfume is fumigation. I know this first hand, because one lady cleared out a Starbucks this morning. The place was empty of customers, on top of being insect and rodent free, only three minutes after she walked in the doors.

As Tom Howard would say, "Terrible.....Terrible."

2. Ladies, if you don't want men to look at you, don't show off. One rather curvaceous young woman I saw this morning, who was attracting rather large amounts of visual admiration from the males in the room because of her wardrobe, reminded me of this double-standard.

As I said before, it's cold out today, so a woman who is wearing attire that seemed to call attention to her cleavage is going to garner assumptions that she wished and invited a certain response from onlookers.

After she noticed that she was being noticed by several men, she crossed her arms over her chest and muttered, "pigs" under her breath. I almost laughed out loud.

Truth be told, even a perfect gentlemen will look at a beautiful woman; but there is a difference between "looking" and "ogling." It seems many women don't make the distinction though, as one is a respectful admiration; the other, a selfish and crude indulgence.

Just about anyone will stop and admire a beautiful work of art no matter where it is found. Many men view women as works of art, but need to be careful not to treat a woman like a heartless and emotionless object.

Women are to be admired and fawned over in a different manner than possessions, as they are a rare and complex beauty that is ever-pursued by her suitor. Her beau chases after her just to be a part of her, as she could never be owned by anyone.

His only interest in her company is not ownership or non-committal romance, but to be constantly chosen and re-chosen as the one who has won her affections and is the guardian of her heart. That's how a good and honorably intentioned man behaves, and there are many of us out there.

The bottom line is that if a woman does not know and exude this expectation for her relationships, her potential suitors will neither meet, nor burden themselves with the responsibility to do so.

Tip for women: Don't assume a guy wants to take you in the nearest bathroom just because he is looking at you. Take it as a confidence boost and high compliment to your appearance. Some boys are even trying to look deep enough into appearances to see if the girl is approachable and possesses more than just outer beauty.

Also, when you wear certain items of clothing, expect to be "admired."

Tip for men: When you see a beautiful woman, don't ogle. Simply look, and give her a courteous smile when she catches you admiring her. Don't make her think your thoughts are only of an adult bookstore nature.

3. I don't know if you women have noticed, but men aren't very good at mind reading. If you tell a man you don't like flowers, don't expect to get flowers. If you tell a man you love football, and he takes you to lots of football games, don't be mad at him for not taking you to the ballet instead.

Many men are wired in a "binary" fashion when it comes to relationships. There are not shades of gray or "maybes" in their thinking.

"Yes," she does want diamonds and pearls.

"No," she does not like long walks on the beaches.

This "mind reading" junk is one of the last remnants of the courtly romance found in seventeenth century Europe, where women played these types of games with men in order to gain their superficial and short-lived affections.

Ladies, if you are built in such a way that requires you to play such games, expect serious relationships to take some major hits when a man gets tired of trying to figure out what you mean, especially when it contradicts what you say.

If you are a ballet girl, don't act as if football is your favorite way of spending a Saturday afternoon just to get him in the relationship at the beginning. If the rules change on the guy, problems and mistrust will ensue.

Men have more than their share of gender-wide faults, but we'll leave those for a day and an author with more of a bone to pick than this one.

That's what she said.
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*My wife is one of those rare exceptions. My frustrations listed here are from prior experiences and friends who are currently dealing with some of these issues with their woman.

Factious Fridays

Boy, oh, boy do I have some cantankerous thoughts for y'all today. Here we go:

1. The Alex Rodriguez free agency story hit the wires in the middle of game four of the World Series. Mike and Mike, Colin Cowherd, and most notably, Peter Gammons have all described it as despicable and unbelievably arrogant on the part of the slugger to disrupt and take away from the champions in such a manner.

Whatever.

Who interrupted game 4 to talk about it? Who said, "You wouldn't think the team winning the world series could be upstaged, but they have."?

Answer: Sports media.

You mean to tell me that a scenario that was well-known and long talked about came to fruition, and it's this big freakin' deal? Get a clue. Really. Get a clue.

All media outlets will tell you that they "report the news, not make the news." I simply cannot think of any better examples of "making news" than this A-Rod stupidity and the totally absurd nature of the Anna Nicole Smith coverage when she called it quits.

Bottom Line: Don't be fooled.....the media sucks. ESPN and Fox are the worst offenders of suckiness. If anyone knows of some really good sources for sports and real news, please let me know.

2. Speaking over over-hyped, it's difficult for me to let go of this Office thing.

Recorded it, watched it, and lamented the 23 minutes of my life I lost doing so (hey, at least I could fast forward through the commercials and my girls were in bed already, so I didn't lose time with them).

I know, I know. I don't have to watch it. My taste may be very different from that of everyone else, and that's fine. I'm just seriously starting to wonder if I don't understand funny anymore.

It seems to me that Steve Carrell is playing his character, Brick Tamblin, from Anchorman. He doesn't make a laugh as a main character though. So, I'll ask my question a different way....are the first three seasons of the office exactly like season four, or has the quality gone down somewhat to completely?

3. Two days ago, while picking up Liz's beautifully mounted Doctorate diploma at a local framing store, I witnessed a tall and burly man bullying a small, twenty-something, homely-looking, red-haired girl behind the counter for something that wasn't done right with his order. Apparently, there was a "scratch" on his picture frame.

He wasn't necessarily yelling, but he was definitely bullying her via body language and implied non-financial threats. This went on for about two minutes while the girl, almost in tears, was trying to do everything she could to fix the situation quickly and appropriately because there was an obvious time crunch for the immense and well-dressed man.

Maybe it's my Southern roots or my chivalry, but after a particularly nasty phrase about her physical appearance, I stepped in.

"Excuse me, Sir. I'm sorry to interrupt this private conversation between you and the other five people standing around, but I'm curious as to what you hope to accomplish by getting personal with this young lady behind the desk?"

"What?" the man astutely replied.

I expounded, "This lady has told you she can fix the frame quickly and for half the price. At what point do you plan on letting her do that? Is it after you've used your vast size to intimidate yet another person into doing what you wish? Well, maybe you have not yet encountered someone you couldn't intimidate, but my name is Cameron Clark, and I'm not intimidated.

You may take out your frustrations on me if you wish."

The eyes of the observers both behind and in front of the counter darted back and forth between my rather short body and the vast, mountain of a man, who stood looking at me with the most perplexed expression, as if I had asked him a complex astrophysics question.

When his brain gathered all of the pertinent information about the situation it could, he squinted, leaned over three inches, making him about 6'5, and said, "Do you know who I am?"

I immediately said, "I was under the impression I didn't care to whom I was talking, just like you don't seem to either." He was visibly rocked back by this response.

He stood up straight, turned to the girl behind the counter and said,"Do you think you could have that ready by 5:00?" He could not have said it more pleasantly if he were asking her out on a date.

She said, "Absolutely," and there ended the conflict. I was told later who exactly he was, and remained unassuaged by his involvement in certain professional sports.

After he left, another woman who witnessed all this told me that Ainsley, who had been standing just behind my right leg, had peered around and stared at the man with a look one might observe from an angry Lion Cub in a Disney movie; eyebrows furrowed and a pursed mouth.

It was then that I realized Ainsley had scared this man away with the same look her mother might give me if I were to show up to the house drunk and bloody from fighting. It's terrifying.

Lesson: If you stand up for what's right, and pack a fearsome toddler on your hip, you can make someone else's day a little better.

I have more, but I must go tend to my little girl, who is stirring from her nap. I don't want to get "the look."

Factious Fridays

Factious- Quarrelsome, Argumentative, Insubordinate.

**Another dictionary note on 'Factious' is that this word is most commonly used to describe someone who is attempting to incite dissensions or opposition to ruling powers, or for the common good.**

I find 'factious' to be the perfect word to describe what I plan on doing on Friday mornings. All of the comments, opinions, and questions presented here will be done in good fun, without any intention to cause problems or hard feelings; but indeed may be in conflict with popular opinion and/or the media colossus.

This particular cloudy, Kansas City Friday I want to take some time to discuss three things to which I have strong opposition, or have some questions I really would like answered from some of you whom I know lurk on this site daily. I have numbered each topic so that you may easily skip over topics which may not hold your interest. We'll lead off with my adamant disdain for ESPN.

1. The people at the "World Wide Leader in Sports" have very few pieces of programing that I enjoy on any level. However, I continue to patronage their venue, mainly for Sports Center, which does a fairly expedient wrap up of sporting events I may not have watched, but am interested in the outcome. I love the actual competition that is aired, but very little of the commentary and pre-game coverage is worth your time.

This summer, I noticed a not so subtle push for sub-par Big East and ACC teams in the college football pre-season hype. Ray Rice for Heisman? Really? Seriously? Not only does he play at Rutgers, but Rutgers plays in the Big East, and Rutgers scheduled a bunch of Junior High football teams on their non-conference docket. The knowledgeable staff at ESPN behaved as if they were unaware of those facts.

Now, well into the season, we have ESPN turning Boston College into a national power. Instead of questioning the rankings, or launching a continuous bombardment of the playoff-less post-season, we have College Gameday and Mel Kiper, Jr. talking Heisman about BC quarterback Matt Ryan and Oregon signal caller, Dennis Dixon. Who? "Who," as in "who" are they, and "who" have they played worth talking about?

I'm sure the talking heads would call me a "homer," but Andre Woodson and Tim Tebow have been impressive all season, not only on the stat line, but their intangible performances against great teams have warranted more attention than they have garnered.

My point: make your own opinions, and don't listen to the guys in Bristol. They get their information the same way and same place you do: from watching the games.

2. What is the deal with The Office? Many of you, whom I hold in great comedic esteem, have espoused a love for this show. I don't get into many television series, but I decided I would start watching The Office after everyone made such a big deal out of the season premier a few weeks ago.

So far, in the four episodes I DVRed, I have laughed twice. It's so NOT funny, that I can actually remember the number of times I have found it humorous in three hours worth of opportunity.

One line was the, "Hot circle of garbage" referring to Pizza by Alfredo. Well, if The Office was in the geometric shape of a sphere, I would indeed classify it as a "hot circle of garbage." If I'm missing something about the comedic content of this show, please let me know.

I think I know funny, like this clip here from *Fowler Toyota in Oklahoma City. If you've seen the incident which it is parodying, I think you'll find it funny too.

3. I have spent much of my academic career honing the craft of writing and adhering to the rules of grammar which go hand-in-hand with good writing. However, I find the blogosphere to be one of the few places that the comma-splice has good usage.

Authoring a blog is not just writing, it's conversational prose that has rhythm and cadence to the style. Therefore, it is with much shame and guilt on my heart that I announce my intention to blatantly mis-use the comma insofar as making a delineation in style and flow for the reader.

This is a big step outside the rules for me, as I continuously re-read and edit my posts for dangling modifiers, sentence fragments, article-specific omissions, awkward sentence structure, improper tense, etc., etc., Peter Centera. Upon viewing my errors, I , like many grammarians, die just a little inside.

I ask you to take my writing and grammar miscues as time-restraint deficiencies to detail, instead of education or mind deficiencies of the author. It's silly hubris, I know, but please indulge me this on my blog.

Here's to a good weekend coming down the pipe. I hope you enjoy yours!
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*- Fowler Toyota is owned by a HUGE Sooner booster. It's that much more funny if you have the understanding that the parody is not an endorsement of Gundy, rather a jab.