Unnecessary Censorship

I was just introduced to Jimmy Kimmel's "unnecessary censorship" routine yesterday. It's funny, but I feel terrible laughing at it.

Cam's Weekly Wednesday Top....5?

When your spouse works in the health care industry, it is certain you will hear a plethora of funny, disgusting, or bizarre stories from veteran physicians. It is important to emphasize that posting these stories on a blog is not illegal, unprofessional, or suspect in any way. Only if the actual names of the people are divulged would it be any of those, and I have no clue what the names may be. Furthermore, my wife is not the person who relayed these stories to me, but physicians we encountered at parties, dinners, and in the resident's lounge.

I will warn you, this list is not for the kiddies, but I hope you find them as amusing as I. If you're wondering why only 5, it's because the stories can be a little long. Without further adieu, your Top 5.

5. This was written as a note from one male doctor to another on a patient's chart:

"Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant."

4. A man and his wife came into the ER complaining of a "personal problem." They had been remodeling the house when "the mood" took them. For reasons passing understanding, the couple thought it would be a good idea to use the dry wall caulk as personal lubrication.

They were literally stuck together where it counted.

3. A morbidly obese lady came in complaining of pain under her stomach. After lifting up her pannus, the doctors found a nasty set of splinters on her underbelly. During the removal of these splinters, one of the nurses' curiosity got the better of them and asked where the splinters came from. The lady responded, "My sister uses a 4x4 to push up my stomach so my husband and I can have sex."

2. Another extremely large lady went to her primary care physician seeking the cause of an awful smell she couldn't seem to wash off. When doing the work up, under one of the lady's fat rolls, they found a rotting, soggy ham sandwich that had been there for some weeks.

The same lady had been in before with an odd condition where the channel changed on her television when she moved to get up or sneezed. They found the TV remote in her fat roles, so they had a good idea where to begin looking for the "rotten smell" this time around.

1. A pregnant lady was in the maternity ward waiting to have her baby. She said she had to go to the bathroom. After being in there for only two or three minutes, the nurses in the hospital room heard a nominal amount of groaning, then smelled and saw smoke coming from under the bathroom door.

When they rushed to open it, they found the door locked. After getting no help from the inside, they used the master key to unlock it, only to discover the lady sitting on the toilet with baby in one hand, and cigarette in the other.

I've got more, but it's a little long for today. I'll try to post my SEC predictions tonight so that I may take the day off tomorrow, loosen my belt for some turkey, and spend the afternoon watching football.

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!