Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Cam's Weekly Wednesday Top....5?

When your spouse works in the health care industry, it is certain you will hear a plethora of funny, disgusting, or bizarre stories from veteran physicians. It is important to emphasize that posting these stories on a blog is not illegal, unprofessional, or suspect in any way. Only if the actual names of the people are divulged would it be any of those, and I have no clue what the names may be. Furthermore, my wife is not the person who relayed these stories to me, but physicians we encountered at parties, dinners, and in the resident's lounge.

I will warn you, this list is not for the kiddies, but I hope you find them as amusing as I. If you're wondering why only 5, it's because the stories can be a little long. Without further adieu, your Top 5.

5. This was written as a note from one male doctor to another on a patient's chart:

"Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant."

4. A man and his wife came into the ER complaining of a "personal problem." They had been remodeling the house when "the mood" took them. For reasons passing understanding, the couple thought it would be a good idea to use the dry wall caulk as personal lubrication.

They were literally stuck together where it counted.

3. A morbidly obese lady came in complaining of pain under her stomach. After lifting up her pannus, the doctors found a nasty set of splinters on her underbelly. During the removal of these splinters, one of the nurses' curiosity got the better of them and asked where the splinters came from. The lady responded, "My sister uses a 4x4 to push up my stomach so my husband and I can have sex."

2. Another extremely large lady went to her primary care physician seeking the cause of an awful smell she couldn't seem to wash off. When doing the work up, under one of the lady's fat rolls, they found a rotting, soggy ham sandwich that had been there for some weeks.

The same lady had been in before with an odd condition where the channel changed on her television when she moved to get up or sneezed. They found the TV remote in her fat roles, so they had a good idea where to begin looking for the "rotten smell" this time around.

1. A pregnant lady was in the maternity ward waiting to have her baby. She said she had to go to the bathroom. After being in there for only two or three minutes, the nurses in the hospital room heard a nominal amount of groaning, then smelled and saw smoke coming from under the bathroom door.

When they rushed to open it, they found the door locked. After getting no help from the inside, they used the master key to unlock it, only to discover the lady sitting on the toilet with baby in one hand, and cigarette in the other.

I've got more, but it's a little long for today. I'll try to post my SEC predictions tonight so that I may take the day off tomorrow, loosen my belt for some turkey, and spend the afternoon watching football.

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!

21 comments:

dawgs4life said...

That may be one of the nastiest lists I have ever seen. I hope everybody has a great Thanksgiving and I am going home for it, planning to eat wayyy to much. Probably will eat so much that I will need to find out where to get some previously mentioned 4x4's for the days following Turkey day. Has anyone seen my remote? Gotta go...need a cigarette!

southerndaddy said...

America was built by people who worked and pulled on the oars, not by those who rested on them. We are a society that is full of people who are catered to far too often. These people that you spoke of in these situations are pitiful and helpless. I believe that we have coddled them for far too long. I never knew a person to overcome a bad habit gradually. These individuals are weak minded, and it is people like them that absorb every tax dollar that leaves my pocket. In the human condition there are many traits that are sickening. These people make me very thankful. I look at the individuals in #'s 3, 2 and 1 and I am so thankful that I do not plan on visiting Arkansas anytime in the near future. I am sure that these types of people will have a fun ride with Obama, Hillary or Edwards. I know your post was meant to be comical, and it is. But these are also individuals that I long to teach my children to stay away from and I will educate them to not be duplicates of such idiocracy.

Jared Gable said...

America was built by slaves.

southerndaddy said...

I wouldn't want Mr. Gable at my table for Thanksgiving with that attitude.

Nicole McIntyre said...

Cameron, great post. Thanks for the chuckle!

Thanks SoutherDaddy for "pigeon holeing" my home state as a bunch of fat, lazy people who expect a hand out. I'm sure those people exist,but the are not limited to just Arkansas. My people are proud, ingorant,skinny, moonshining Hillbillies. If your going to stereotype, get it right.

And thanks for teaching your children that you need to persecute fat people. There is more to being obese than being coddled. There are emotional issues that someone needs to take the time to deal with.

Nicole McIntyre said...

Jared, you can come to my Thanksgiving table....

Jared Gable said...

Thank you, Nikki. Tell me more about the moonshining.

southerndaddy: I have plans already.

southernaddy said...

Mrs. Nicole it was very interesting to read your comments. You must speak as a glutton. But isn’t being fat unhealthy?Isn’t there a weight where it really is dangerous? Being fat causes people to get depressed.Wouldn’t it solve the problems fat people face from discrimination if they just lost weight? Aren’t you being too permissive with fat people? Isn’t it like trying to “accept” that you’ll always be a smoker? I know someone who lost 100 pounds by dieting (or weight loss surgery, or exercise) and she feels great.
I know someone who lost 100 pounds by dieting (or weight loss surgery, or exercise) and she kept it off 6 years and she feels great.All I know is that when I eat less and exercise I lose weight so why can’t fat people?
Fat people just lack the will power to keep the weight off.
I encourage you, missy (arkansan for "disorderly woman"), to push back the plate this Turkey day. Don't give me the lame arguments about glands and medical conditions. There are ways for the weight to be lost. We must stop coddling the gluttons. And Mr. Gables, I am so glad that David Duke had room for you at his abode this Holiday season.

Cameron Clark said...

Nikki, I suppose southerndaddy believes that Liz and I live in Arkansas. We do not. We only attended undergraduate school there. I don't think he was pigeon-holing Arkansas. Well, maybe he was, but leave the assumptions up to him. You'll see what I mean in a second.

Ok, southerndaddy, I seem to have this inexplicable and morbid curiosity with your personality. I don't know why I haven't responded to you like I suspect everyone thinks I should. For now, I'll try dialog.

Nikki McIntyre is quite a skinny young lady; the total opposite of a glutton. She was defending her home state that she perceived was being assaulted. She is also my sister-in-law. My point? Take it easy with the personal responses, please. That goes for everyone.

Nikki's husband, Nathan, lost well over 100 pounds by diet and exercise. He is now quite fit, and pretty jacked up. She didn't need a lecture on the subject; she lived it.

Also, I still don't understand how you get from A-Z in your reasoning.

What attitude did you perceive Jared Gable had? Although, I must say, the whole family is disappointed not to be traveling down to your neck of the woods for Thanksgiving. Maybe next year when Jared changes his attitude?

Then "Double D" was invoked. Maybe I'm missing something, but it would seem between your two comments on this post alone that you would identify most closely with David Duke instead of Jared, who was giving credit to slaves for building America. Why would anyone associate that with David Duke?

I would just like some answers if you please, sir.

Lastly, if you want some political debate from the same crowd, click on over to www.anamericanfrontporch.com. I'm sure they'll welcome you warmly to the discussion.

tayers44 said...

This is so fun for me to watch.

I must admit, Southerndaddy, that the Baptist Sunday School board might question your reasoning.

southerndaddy said...

Deuteronomy 29:29 and Matthew 7:1

Nathan McIntyre said...

1. Silly Jared, America was built on the backs of dirty Italians.

2. Southerndaddy-- I was fat. You are an idiot. Here's to the present tense.

3. Ezekiel 20:29

4. I Maccabees 3:4-5

5. I would offer all sorts of witty retort of your "points" or attempt to decipher your nonsensical, almost schizophrenic ramblings. Perhaps on a bad day I would find you, and make landfall. However, I prefer to let you speak. It's fun for the whole family.

Cheers, fatty.

Cameron Clark said...

Once again the communication process has broken down.

I asked some pretty simple and respectful questions, and you respond with a scripture about being judged, and another Old Testament verse that seems to hold no relevance in the conversation.

Is it your intellect, your wit, or your courage that lack the capacity to respond to this line of questioning? Possibly a combination of the three?

You need to evaluate and judge your own behavior on this site, because right now I don't think enough of you to have an opinion on this anonymous caitiff "southerndaddy."

Lastly, even Satan quoted scripture. Hide behind the cross if you like, but your comments suggest a raw hatred of those who disagree with you. That's certainly Christ-like.

Your deductive reasoning is that of a junior high kid with frontal lobe damage.

Your wit, or lack thereof, suggests that you are an accountant.

Your anonymity suggests that you are a puss.

I could be wrong, but those are the only facts I have to date. If you have any desire to dissuade this insignificant stranger from his only reasonable conclusion about your character traits, then answer some questions.

I'm with Nate though; by all means, keep posting.

Nicole McIntyre said...

Thank you, Cameron, for defending my honor.

Mr. SouthernDaddy, sir: This is what we call an intervention. I'm doing it because I care. You have a problem. You are addicted to assumptions about people you have never even met. Do I need to quote the snappy little jingle about assuming? You maligned my figure and my character with not so much as a backward glance. You, sir, are no gentleman. I expect your dozen roses by Friday, since tomorrow is a holiday. Pink is nice.

Don't call me missy. Don't try to be witty and speak "Arkansan." In my family "them's fightin' words" and your liable to end up with buckshot in your hindparts.

Here are a few facts:

1. After land wars in Asia and dealing with Sicilians, the third blunder is insulting an armed, redheaded Hillbilly. (Did I mention I'm also a stepchild too?)

2. I'm proud of your friend that lost weight, it's not easy. Based on your previous rhetoric, I'm going to go on a limb and say you weren't instrumental in it. You probably threw KFC at them and called them fatty.

3. The only times in my life when my weight was not considered "normal" was when I was four months old and when I was nine months pregnant. I blame both on Cheetos.

4. And my husband lost over 155 pounds.

I sincerely hope that instead of teaching your children to avoid those you find unsuitable, you spend more time on manners and respect.

tayers44 said...

H-O-L-Y C-R-A-P

Southerndaddy, I read the Bible alot, you could say I "do it for a living".

You are blowing my mind with poor arguments and bad judgment (pun intended).

I bet you are an Ole Miss fan as well as an accountant.

For my fellow readers, I am not pigeon-holing or whatever we have called it. . . I found out there's good odds it is where southerndaddy attended.

Peace and grace,

Taft

southerndaddy said...

Nicole and Jared: The two of you deserve each other. You are two brash individuals who speak merely to hear the sound rining of your own voices. Your home is probably filled with meaningless rhetoric. If you were to "find me" (great call Barbarian) you wouldn't make landfall of anything Mr. Mcintyre. You are too busy working for the greatest con artist on the face of the planet. The man who signs your pay checks hides behind "financial wisdom" with a side dose of faith to make people feel better about him ripping them off. Maybe you lost your values, morality and relative ability to reason alongside those 150+ pounds. Three Turkeys will be slaughtered today at the Mcintyre house. Old habits die hard.

Nicole McIntyre said...

SouthernDaddy:

1. I heart Dave Ramsey. He changed my life and saved my marriage. Since I actually have met the man, and I doubt SouthernDaddy has, he truly is a man of God who is trying to help others. I'm curious what evidence and reasoning SoutherDaddy has to the "Dave Ramsey is a swindler" argument. But since he doesn't answer direct questions, just attacks, we may never find out.

2. I don't believe anyone has ever called me brash. I'm typically condemned because I put up with people after most people have written them off. I was the teacher that they sent problem children too because I care too much and won't give up on them. Most of the time I'm just too darn nice.

3. Excuse me for defending myself when called obese. Since you obviously aren't a gentleman, that would explain the missing apology.

4. You know nothing about me but feel you have the right to judge me. Enjoy that belief. Feel good about yourself and pat yourself on the back for "setting me straight" about obesity and my brashness.

5. I'm done denfending myself and my actions to someone I've never even met. You have already taken to much precious time away from my family.

Nathan McIntyre said...

I sir, have not yet begun to become a Barbarian. Thanks for the props.

The one thing I know about you, is that you relish being the heel. The problem is, you're not very good at it. Our continued responses to your mindless jabber only feeds your tiny ego. Sad. At least we all stand behind who we are.

Now, look at the bottom of your page. Click the "World of Warcraft" tab and look at your mirror. You will quickly be reminded that you are nothing more than a slightly retarded, ignorant baffoon sitting at a computer in his whitie-tighties sporting a doritos moustache and propensity to be aroused by animated elfen females.

..and I do work with pride by the way. My head is held high, not that anyone here will convince you otherwise.

Carry on =)

Cameron Clark said...

Look, so long as everyone is using the conversation for entertainment purposes only, I have no problem with letting the rhetoric continue.

We all know that there are things right in front of us that are more important than hollow and petty jabs on an insignificant website.

southerndaddy, you have repeatedly offered general criticisms of others' reasoning skills. Why don't you get more specific if you hold the intellectual high ground in the argument? I assure you that I can accommodate any debate topic you wish to engage.

Why not answer some of my questions? Why not lay out your specific criticisms?

I must say this though: Jared Gable wrote 4 sentences under this topic, while you have written nearly 100 in the past two days. Presumptive? Brash? Meaningless rhetoric? Those are pretty absurd labels coming from a "man" like yourself.

It's nearly 11:00. It's Thanksgiving Day. I'm going to begin the football and food day here shortly.

To my family: I love you, and I miss you. I am thankful for you.

southerdaddy: I'm sure you're thankful for yourself, your superior intellect, your moral perfection, your monetary holdings, and the 'Man Groomer' electric back hair shaver for men.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Jared Gable said...

Here's to gluttony.

Unsinkable Kristen said...

Man, I leave town for a week and I miss all this.