Friday, April 25, 2008

Alan's Mock "Stuff" Draft

By Alan Gable

With the NFL Draft (which honestly is the only draft worth airing on a national media scale) bearing down on us with great pomp and circumstance, I submit my mock draft of some random stuff I like. We'll go with ten because I like the Metric system.

10. Metric System - The antiquated English measurement system is nonsensical from both mathematical and functional standpoints. We should do away with it. The basic framework of the metric system working in multiples of 10 instead of 12 is the main component of its awesomeness and deals a devastating blow to its Anglican step-brother.

9. Golf - This is the most frustrating game ever devised by any dude. However, there is only one player on Earth good enough to get angry when he hits a bad shot. His name is Tiger Woods, and there will never be anyone like him. Everyone else should reserve themselves to the idea that poor shots happen.

Golf is the only major sport where the average fan can still play on a regular basis. Football, Baseball, Basketball and Hockey cannot boast this. The golf course and the fishing hole are the only places on the planet where you are not only permitted, but encouraged to go hours without speaking one word of truth (aside from a Clinton White House - heyoooo). The golf course is one of the few venues where a father and his teenage son can connect on that emotional plain of friendship without circumventing the parent/child hierarchy.

8. Starbucks - There are 2 things for which I will not hesitate to overpay: Toilet Paper and Coffee. Once you master the complex menu language at your local Starbucks, you realize that there is a world of opportunity available to you within the coffee realm. I like Starbucks. Who doesn't?

7. Family Guy - Rarely is it acceptable for grown men to enjoy animated television programming. The Simpsons broke the cartoon mold, but Peter Griffin and his family can always make me laugh. Always. The comedic genius of the Family Guy writers cannot be overstated. A tell-tale characteristic of this brilliance is the fact that the comedy exists on each intellectual level from the dullard whiffle-head to the superior Mensa folks. One scene of Family Guy will involve the entire spectrum from Shakespearian references to fart jokes.

6. Anesthesia - To my knowledge, I have never had surgery. But I am immensely thankful that, were I to require a surgical procedure, I would not have to resort to biting down on a stick as my best shot at pain management.

5. Ipod - The Ipod has transformed the entire music industry. As a secondary yet more personally satisfying reason, the Ipod and her accessories have brought an unlimited amount of spiritual resources to the fingertips of the world's auditory learners. Folks such as myself, now have the ability to listen to scriptural teachings from anywhere on Earth while doing yardwork or exercising. Unbelievable.

4. Advil - On occasion, my body temperature will run a few degrees hotter than what the medical professionals say is normal. I believe they call this "fever". There are only a few things on which you should bet your house: Derek Jeter will hit in October, Democrats will raise taxes, and Advil will break my fever. Those are some powerful little gel-coated tablets and they are gentler on my stomach than Aspirin.

3. Reading/Writing - Aside from breath itself, literacy is perhaps the greatest of all gifts from the Creator. Praise Christ for such a gift.

2. Central Heating and Air - If you live in the South, this needs no explanation and you are, right now, nodding your head in agreement. If you don't live in the South, what's wrong with you?

1. With the number one pick in this year's "Random Stuff I like" draft, Alan Gable selects Steak - It does not get better than a medium filet. Any arguments to the contrary will only reveal your intellectual inadequacy and ruin your credibility.