Anderson Cooper decided he wanted to interview a completely unknown and insignificant blogger this past Monday. He chose me.
I'm not sure the interview will ever be aired on
Cameron: It's your world, dawg.
Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?
A. Honey Mustard, although I typically hate salads. "I could cover the stuff in barbecue sauce and it would still taste like the ground."
Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
A:. Does Quizno's count? Other than that, I try to avoid that crap like the plague.
Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
A. J. Gilbert's Steakhouse. Although I am flirting with becoming a vegetarian. It's the new black.
Q. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
A: 20% for good service. 15% for bad service. If we get TERRIBLE service, I mug the server and take all their money.
Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
A: Granny Smith Green Apples. It's not a metaphor.
Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
A. Pepperoni and jalapenos....no cheese. I hate cheese. It's just really old milk. Gross.
Q. What do you like to put on your toast?
A: Imitation butter or Strawberry
Cameron: It's every bit as chic as your lifestyle while on Channel One...Andy.
Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A: The official seal of Tuesday &
Q. How many televisions are in your house?
A: Two. We have one large one in the den area, and one over the fireplace in the living room. They aren't on very much though. Except to watch The O'Reilly Factor. (That one seemed to irk Mr. Cooper into a change of subject)
Cameron: Hamburgers and Bourbon, brother. Next question.
Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
A. I am amphibious,
Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Q. What was that?
A. No...well, a big piece of glass, but that's a long and uninteresting story.
Q. When was the last time you had a cavity?
A. Last year, Dr. Cooper. I go to see Brian Devine, DDS, in
Dr. Devine was working on several patients at once. When he was down the hall in room 2 the entire office heard him yell, "Jesus Christ! What happened to your teeth!?!"
A few minutes later, he came back into my room talking to the D.H. and said, "The guy in room 2....his mother dropped him on his head when he was a kid.....then kicked him in the teeth."
Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
A. Your mother has gained quite a bit of weight, Anderson.
Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A. Donkey-knocker says what?
Cameron: Well, we can't all roll out of bed in the morning looking like a 65 year old man, Anderson.
Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A. No. It's not good to know anything about your own future.
Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
A. Black and blue. Like your mother's backside.
Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
A. I'm not gay, Anderson.
Q. Have you ever saved someone's life?
A. Twice. I was a lifeguard. It was a nice feeling, which was quickly washed away once they became ungrateful brats.
Q. Has someone ever saved yours?
A. Doctors. Several times.
Cameron: Are you hitting on me, Anderson?
Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
A. You're definitely hitting on me; and No.
Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
A. This line of questioning is absurd. The answer is, "no" though. Psycho.
Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
A. I take Visa, Mastercard, and Cashier's Checks.
Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
A. I don't think I would, and I don't think anyone would want to see that.
Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
A. Yes, because I'm a freshman at Ole Miss, Anderson. Seriously? That's your question?
Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
A. Depends on who it is, and what they've done.
Q: What is in your left pocket?
A: You're not invited to the pants party.
Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A. No. No it's really not good at all. It's like watching a documentary on future pedophiles. I'm sorry I wasted any time on it at all whatsoever.
Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A. carpet, covered with toys and cracker crumbs.
Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
A. I stand,
Q: Could you live with roommates?
A. I have a wife, an 18 month old, and one on the way. I'd say I'm pretty well locked-in to the "roommate" situation for life.
Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
A: 8 years ago in
Moral of the story: Cops aren't your friends.
Q: Who is number 1 on your top 8?
A. Top 8? I would imagine it would be Liz. No matter what list of top 8 people, friends, family, she'll be number one.
A: Last Samurai
Q: Country that is not
A: When The Levee Breaks- Led Zeppelin
A: I don't care about such superficial things. One that gets me from here to there comfortably and safely.
A: My cigars and books.
Q: Way to spend time?
A: With my family. Speaking of which, I've gotta go. It's been real,
These questions were about as pertinent as some of the ones asked in the "youtube" debate last week. Just a tip; a little less air time for Mitt Romney in the next one would be great!
Have a great Friday!
*- This was a survey someone sent to me, and I put a different twist on it.....Anderson Cooper did not really interview me. It seems as if some of you who email me frequently find my stories to be "outlandish." It's because some of the satirical, or part-satirical posts, are meant for entertainment only.