Every once in a while I'll read something that makes me laugh at loud. The response you are about to see is not my own, nor can it be found anywhere else on the web except in a "comments" section of a relatively unknown blog.
This apt and sagacious retort was penned by one Cpt. Jared B. Gable, answering a question by James Canterbury about the study that showed minorities tend to trick or treat in far fewer numbers and percentages than white kids.
I warn you, dear reader, that you may want to block-off some time to laugh and make sure no food or drink is in your mouth whilst you read. Without further adieu, give a big salute to....The Captain:
1. The story itself fails to send any message to me personally other than telling me something I already know. The more telling thing here is your willingness to draw attention to a story like this. Message received: James Canterbury hates poor black people.
2. I do not feel compelled to act in any way. I tend to despise the action of trick-or-treating, and Halloween in general. Here's why:
Children are stupid and clumsy regardless of their race or the social status of their parents. Sometimes I try to think how I would describe certain things to an alien (Martian, not Mexican) who was experiencing our culture and customs for the first time. Halloween would be difficult to explain. This one night every year, I am subjected to the constant, unrelenting bombardment of unsolicited minors coming to my home in disguise and begging for food items which will destroy their teeth and increase the likelihood of childhood obesity, diabetes and irreversible heart damage.
Then there is the incomprehensible phrase that must be uttered, "trick or treat." What am I to make of this overtly ambiguous exchange? Is this a question they are asking me? Do I have an option of whether or not to provide someone else's child with candy? Or is this a not so subtle threat levied against my household if I fail to provide the child with the candy required to complete the transaction?
What if the child is a perpetual behavior problem? Am I to reward bad behavior with candy? This isn't my child standing here at my door presumptively asking for a treat. There is no naughty/nice list for Halloween that I am aware of, which seems like a terrible way to teach children about justice in an increasingly unjust world. And if I give this child the candy simply because they are here at my door asking for it, will they begin to feel they are entitled to candy at other times?
Am I not telling these children that they can get something of great value for essentially doing nothing at all? What kind of message does that send to the children? If all that weren’t bad enough, there is the problem I mentioned before: children are stupid and clumsy.
What happens when one of these little wonderkids enters onto my property without invitation and injures himself when he trips over the solar-powered light which is intended to light the path to my door. These children already have a difficult time with the more complex motor functions like walking, but to make it worse they are likely on some kind of sugar high which impairs their judgment even more.
The child probably has some developmental disorder as well which has caused his skull to be weaker than a normal child’s would be. As a result of the fall which could have been avoided if the child were intelligent enough to stay off the grass and simply walk along the path which I begrudgingly afford him to my front door, he sustains major injuries to his head which force his parents to incur substantial medical bills to provide for his care.
Months later a sympathetic jury feels pity for the injured child with the poorly developed skull and holds me accountable for the child’s malformed cranium to the tune of some ridiculous amount of money I don’t have because I placed the solar-powered lights three feet apart instead of the recommended 2.5.
Consequently, insurance companies begin to offer Halloween coverage for situations like mine and I am forced to contemplate that million dollar idea while I’m working my four jobs in an effort to avoid bankruptcy.
Happy Halloween everybody.